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“Don’t let yourself be so concerned with raising a good kid
that you forget that you already have one.”
- Glennon Doyle
A popular saying in Positive Discipline is that there are no bad kids, just bad behavior. This left a big impression on me when I read it because as a mother suffering with anxiety, I have a tendency to be consumed with my need to raise a good kid. My son is only 2 years old but there are days I end up a hot mess on the floor asking myself where I went wrong. Being a mother with anxiety issues is not a walk in the park. After a lifetime of struggling to keep my emotions low-key for the sake of my sanity, I am suddenly thrown into Motherhood which brings so many overwhelming emotions. It threw me into a tailspin. I am like Pandora’s anti-thesis, I am trying NOT to open the box, and instead doing everything in my power to keep the lid on. I already know the monster inside the box and aware it can consume me. Having anxiety makes you scared and frustrated when you cannot control everything you think you need to control. It is debilitating and can make one short-tempered. It is easy to explode with the slightest pressure and with the smallest of triggers. I sought out Positive Discipline, not only because as an employee of Save the Children I am encouraged to adhere to it, but also because I see it as a tool to help me neutralize the possible adverse effects of my anxiety.
Warmth and Structure
These are the two most important pillars of Positive Discipline (PD) which I tried to use the past year. Like a cook mixing ingredients, I tried to incorporate the two in the appropriate measure based on my child’s personality. PD is evidence-based, but it is not purely science. It still relies on your instinct and understanding of your child as a parent. I underwent the Positive Discipline for Daily Parenting training this time last year. After one year of utilizing the tools of PD, I sat down and reflected on what I have learned so far and came up with 7 key lessons which I would like to share with my mom tribe. Please note that these are my own reflections, and I do not proclaim it as universal. I honor each mom’s journey on how they raise their kids; this here is the story of the path I took this last 365 days.
1. It’s difficult for me to shed traditional ways of disciplining.
The word discipline comes from the Latin “Disciplus” which means disciple or pupil. The original idea of disciplining a child then is to treat him or her as a pupil, and your role as parent is to mentor. There is nothing in the word that describes discipline as punishment, but we often think the two are one and the same. As if love is pain, and pain is love.
I have experienced spanking growing up and yet, I love my parents and emulate them still. It was difficult separating myself from the tangled web of love and pain because I think I turned out mostly alright. I do remember the fear of punishment though. I was never spanked so hard it left bruises; what I felt was mostly emotional and mental anguish – a cocktail of guilt, remorse, hurt and perhaps, even anger. Would I have turned out differently if corporal punishment was not used on me? Who’s to say? But I am sure that growing up, it was a while before I did the right thing because it was right. I was doing all the right things because I am afraid of the punishment. Now, if there is really a way to make my son understand that we do what is right because it is right and not because Mom will spank you if you don’t, then I am all for it. It just took me a while to resolve within myself that although I reject corporal punishment now, it doesn’t mean my parents were wrong. They were just using the tools that they had back then, relying mainly on how they were raised. But today where there are a lot more support and resources for alternate ways of raising a child, I think they will be disappointed if I do not even try the one I think fits my family best.
2. I have to sincerely believe and understand that my child is not intentionally misbehaving
In the course of a few months, I have become more conscious not to think “Why does this happen to me?” This shifts the focus on me --- how I feel as a parent, how to react as a parent, what I need to do as a parent. When in fact, this is about the child. “Why is he doing this? What does he need? Where is the discomfort coming from?” My son’s tantrums can be epic albeit few. Whenever it happens, my mind takes note of possible triggers for the meltdown. I am getting better at telling if an episode is due to lack of nap, hunger, too much noise, too hot, too dusty (making his allergic rhinitis flare up) or his flow got interrupted while playing. I also have a cheat sheet of developmental milestones which I have to take into play when deciphering what my child wants. At 2 years old, my son has a slight speech development delay. I can imagine his frustration not being able to verbalize something he wants, especially now that he has the mental cognition to want so many things. In this case, I do not see the point of correcting his behavior in anger. Often times, what helps is to get down at his eye level and see it from his perspective. Sometimes, I get why he is throwing a tantrum. Sometimes, I don’t. But at least he knows I am ready to be on the level with him and that Mom will try to understand.
3. My anxiety issues makes it difficult to chill, but I try and some days, I succeed
Living with a mental issue as a single woman is hard. Then to my consternation, my anxiety issues doubled when I became a mother. Positivity is what keeps me from going over the edge. I imagine myself driving a car with my son in tow, and PD guides me on when to press on the gas, and when to step on the brakes, without losing sight of the fact that we have a destination in mind. Using it’s suggestions to see the bigger picture has helped me put the details in perspective. It has helped me identify ways to allay my fears and concerns by informing myself. I consider knowledge as my ally in parenthood --- forewarned is forearmed.
One time, a fellow mother passive-aggressively posted a reaction to a video I shared related to PD by posting a status on her FB feed calling for “some moms” to chill out. However, I literally, biologically cannot. But I try. Some days, I get to let it slide, shake it off, hakuna matata it all the way til bedtime. But inside of me, the storm never stops brewing. Learning, researching, understanding and planning is my way of coping, and when something interests me, or baffles me, I share it. I am careful not to sound preachy, in fact, the said video even says “A Perspective,” implying that it is one of many.She had no way of knowing my struggle with anxiety, I can let it slide. I am used to people not understanding, but I would’ve appreciated a direct discourse rather than reading it on FB addressed to the universe, giving them permission to antagonize the mom who cannot chill.
4. I have become friends with failure
Given my state, PD for me is not all Kumbaya, Hallelujah, It’s Alright. The onus is on my husband and me to respond positively to our son, to listen well even if our heads are full of other matters such as work and bills and what to cook for dinner. My words needs to be thoughtfully phrased so as not to put blame on my child, but instead to call out the behavior. I put to rest all negative labels --- lazy, naughty, cheeky, fidgety, bully or cheater. Positive words should be directed to the action since it is more effective than telling my child he is good (good? Why?) or nice (nice? How?). So instead of saying you’re a good boy, I have to spend additional seconds of my time to say, “What’s hardest though is to let him face the natural consequences of their actions. For example, he wanted to jump on the bed and wouldn’t listen to my reminder that he could fall and hurt himself. Do I snatch him away from the bed and berate him for not listening? It was painful, but when he did eventually lose balance and fell (with me catching the important parts without a word so as not to add alarm), he realized falling hurts and was more careful next time. Did he jump on the bed again? Sure, he did. But farther away from the ledge.
These small efforts do not come easily. I have failed more than a dozen times. I have raised my voice in anger a number of times, lost my cool, ordered him to stop and behave, raised my hand to strike before I could stop myself. I failed and continue to fail. Each time I failed though, I learned something new. As much as I asked what could have caused my child to misbehave, I also learned to ask myself why I also misbehaved and how to get it together so I could lessen the chances of it happening again.
5. My husband and I are a team learning to appreciate the uniqueness of our child
Working Mom and Stay-at-Home Dad is our current family set-up which works for us. My husband gets to nurture my child more intensively than I do, but we consider ourselves a team adhering to Positive Discipline. Together, we are able to figure out the enigma that is our child’s personality. I can get caught up sometimes with comparing my son with same age kids who are talking more, running faster, toilet trained earlier. Having my husband on the team gives me someone who can put a calming hand on my back and remind me, “Our child is unique.” Currently, we are in the process of observing if our son is on the autism spectrum. We discuss this a lot, but we agree that it only emphasizes the need to provide both Warmth and Structure to our child as we help him in his developmental process.
6. I have to remember that I am playing the long game.
PD tells me that I have to imagine the adult I want my son to be, and to nurture those qualities while keeping in mind his capacity at the present moment. I crow about my son’s little cutesy achievements just like any mom, I can’t help it. But I do not keep score, because I find it is pointless in this long game called parenthood. My son is only mid-way to the 3rd year of his life! So many things are still up in the air. God knows when he will be able to reap the rewards, maybe I will never see it in my lifetime. But when the day comes my grown-up son realizes for the first time that he is a decent human being because of how he was raised, then that’s the moment I can confidently chalk up one point for me and my husband.
7. Year One is a Boon
I have a feeling that the past year practicing Positive Discipline is a boon. I don’t see the difficulty easing up in the years ahead. In fact, it might even get harder with adolescence, peer pressure, college and first love up ahead. This is why I feel lucky to have found PD while my son is still very young. This way, we can apply PD consistently and calibrate it according to his progress in life. Does it really work? Will my child become a well-adjusted adult? I’ll let you know. But don’t hold your breath, alright? This will take a while.
Parenting is no-manual, no-holds barred journey. Positive Discipline is definitely not a cure-all solution, but it has tools that can be maximized to raise a self-actualized adult. If you would like to learn more about Positive Discipline in Everyday Parenting, you can read up on it here and here. A Philippine bill was recently passed by the House Committee on Welfare of Children, which you can read about here. There's also a wealth of other resources online which may be able to help.
Happy Reading, and may the (parenting) odds be ever in our favor!
Smell ya later,
Bee